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Top Ten Weird, Strange and Anti- Gifts for Valentine’s Day

Yesterday was my guy’s guide to Valentine’s Day, which was all sweet and sickly. Today is the stuff I wouldn’t dare buy for my wife (though she could read this for ideas, HINT HINT!) I scoured some of my favorite websites, and thought of some more unusual gifts for what is otherwise a day of roses, cards and chocolate. Phooey, I say! Break the shackles of Valentine’s conformity and take a look at these gift ideas below.

  1. Vampire Seduction Handbook – Learn about why vampires make the best lovers and where to find them (not in graveyards!). Includes compatibility lists and a troubleshooting guide. Have nearby while watching True Blood.
  2. Next is a giant, gummy bleeding heart for your loved one, from Thinkgeek. Serve it warm on a silver platter while watching Twilight. Nothing better says “I love you,” than a big, bloody heart, unless you’re making a political statement with it.
  3. If that’s a bit too chewy for you, try the a plush beating heart.When you shake this anatomically correct heart, it will actually beat and throb! Best of all, there’s no mess and no fuss.
  4. For the bittersweet and dumped, there’s “Bittersweets”, similar to those heart-shaped candies with messages we all love. However, these messages say something different – “I miss my ex”, “a fine whine”, “settle 4 less”, “just a friend”, “sub prime” and other warm, lovable sayings that will pierce a pizza into your eye.
  5. For those still stuck in the corporate cubicle world, there’s the secret tongue tie, available at Perpetualkid. One side is an appropriate, boring tie, and the other side is this big, sloppy, rude, saliva-dripping tongue. The perfect gift for your corporate guy with the heart of a geek!
  6. Raise your hands, all you guys who can afford a 2 carat diamond ring for your sweetie? Hello? Nobody? Perhaps, because you can get the next best thing! Buy her the 2 carat cup, instead. It’s just like a real diamond, honey!
  7. Sometimes, just sometimes, all you can think of is a gift card (to a lingerie store, of course.) Well, now is the time to make that gift card ten times cooler! Place it into an Ancient Chinese puzzle vault!(Okay, not so ancient, but likely made in China.) The recipient must successfully navigate a small metal ball through the maze for the vault to open. Watch in enjoyment their frustration!
  8. Forget about love notes. How about a subtle notepad called Things You Must Do To Make Me Happy. Just check off what your partner needs to do, and watch the results! I can not guarantee what will happen.
  9. More cute than strange, how about romantic pillow cases?If you two don’t live together or even sleep together, think of it as an overt suggestion to do so! What girl can resist? Okay, maybe her. Yeah, her too, I suppose.
  10. Got ex? Or a friend who just broke up? Then get The Ex,a 5-piece stainless-steel knife set. Guess where the knives are stored?
  11. Top ten lists always have a bonus! How about the Love Gun?Yup, it’s a red plastic toy gun with 4 Cupid bullets you can launch from it. Great for that office coworker you have a crush on. Maybe he will reciprocate after being shot? If it leads to an awkward situation, just hum KISS’s “Love Gun” and go to your happy place.

There you have it. I must add a disclaimer, though. I’m not responsible for any break-ups due to any of these gifts. Use your own discretion. Happy Valentine’s Day, you Romantic, you!